Allelujah! Praise Jesus!

Shit! I'm going to hell.  Just said the "A" word and Lent is still going strong.

Anyway-- I got some of the best news ever today.  My Tuesday night class, for one, has been canceled! AND he pushed back the due date for our 20 page papers to the 26th instead of the 19th!  So it will be nice to only have one 20+ page paper due that week... haha.

That was from a couple of weeks ago...

So today I figured I really need to update because it's been quite a while.  I weighed in this week and lost 2pointsomething lbs... go me!  In celebration, I went to the gym Monday evening because that class was canceled... I did and I didn't mind because well the obvious is... why am I paying for this?  However, Monday was BE-A-UTIFUL here in the DMV so it was nice to go home with my sunroof open and the radio playing.  Ahhhh.  That beautiful day was not an invitation though for mother nature to pour rain and clouds on us for the next two days, but the sun is back again today so I'll deal.

School-- I finished my thesis!  The best thing?  I finished my thesis a week and a half before it was actually due!  That being said I was able to email it to my prof, who will look it over and make sure all is well before I submit it to her next Friday for real for real.  I even finished my PowerPoint presentation and the abstract!  Go me! 
The fun part is now trying to figure out what I am going to write about for my 20 page paper that is due actually no later than 11:59 pm April 27!  I got a B on the 10 page paper I had due for this class last month, I'm kind of miffed actually because I honestly thought it was well-written.  He pretty much screwed everyone though, so I will just have to deal and work harder on this next one.  I am definitely going to hit up the school's writing center because I figure if I go there and I still get a mediocre grade, I can be like "what the hell do you want from me?" 

There are a couple dates this week that deserve mentioning.  Tomorrow, the 15th, is not only our nation's tax day, but also what would have been my sister's 29th birthday.  So weird to think of her as being almost 30.  What would she be doing now?  No one will ever know, but it's interesting to think about.  The day after that, the 16th, marks the fifth year anniversary of my mom's death.  I still think about her every day and wonder what she would be doing?  Would I be doing anything differently?  Would I have moved out already?  Would my mom still be working at Catholic and if so would she be doing what she really always wanted to do and be enrolled in classes?  All questions with no answers.  I find myself in that predicament quite frequently.  Oh well, I'll just keep on keeping on. 

One last shameless plug-- I am doing the race for hope in DC on Sunday May 1st!  I've almost reached my $1500 goal... so exciting!  If you would like to know more about the race and/or donate you can visit my team page, Team MFB, here!

Have an amazing end of the week and weekend! 

Angry-Sad-Defeated-Hopeful

I have a lot to say this post, so bear with me. 

First of all, I would like to recognize the anniversary of the death of my sister.  It was five years ago yesterday that I found her in her room.  She had a seizure, her heart stopped, and could not be revived.  I was a junior and it was the first day of my spring break.  My mom was dying of cancer and I really didn't think life could get any worse-- until that happened.  She was about a month and a half away from her 24th birthday.  Yesterday, I spent the day with my sister's best girlfriends.  It was a little weird, but okay.  We ate baked chicken breast coated in barbecue sauce and mashed potatoes, two things my sister loved.  We drank wine and looked at pictures.  In the morning before that I went to mass and breakfast with my father; the day turned out to be beautiful-- warm and sunny.  It's still hard, but I know she's in a better place.

Switching gears, I got my rough draft back!  It's "near perfect."  Woohoo!  Now I just need to figure out what questions to ask for the methodology section of the paper.  Oh, and contact persons to answer said questions or survey, if you will.  I have a 10 page paper that's due in a few weeks so that will be interesting.  Good thing next week is spring break, hopefully I'll be able to do some research for it and possibly get it written.  I still have to tweak my topic for the 20 page paper that is due two weeks after the 10 pager... eeshka. 

Now for fat camp-- and I hope I don't offend anyone with that term.  I stole it from a friend of mine who is also doing WW.  It's a funny name for something I try and take seriously.  I'm really happy because I've finally been getting myself to the gym.  And something happened to me the other night.  I'm tired of being sort of looked over I guess by the opposite sex.  As vain or shallow as this sounds... it sucks.  What sucks even more is when I'm out with my "hotter" friends and they're all getting hit on and I'm just there.  Anyway, it might not be the best reason to get healthy, but if it kicks my butt to the gym then I'll take it for now.  It feels good to work out and eat healthy, but I feel almost like I've gained weight the past couple of weeks.  It's extremely frustrating.  The good thing is that instead of giving up, I keep pushing forward.  

Lastly, I'd like to say a big CONGRATULATIONS to my friend-sister Lauren for completing a marathon yesterday.  I'm so proud of her!  One day, we will run a race together I just know it! 

Have a great week everybody!

Quickie

This past weekend was crazy, awesome, and of course too short.  Katie and Cyndi came from Long Island to visit!  Cyndi's moving back!  All is right with the world!!

I've decided to walk the Race for Hope- DC which raises money to help the fight against brain tumors.  Obviously I've talked about my mom dying from brain cancer 5 years ago, but I don't remember if I mentioned this or not-- my friend Cyndi's nephew (who is all of 3) has been battling brain cancer since age 1.  He's maxed out on radiation.  He is adorable-- I saw a video this weekend of him demonstrating "The Situation."    At first, I was going to just do this solo and quietly solicit donations from people, but once a couple of my friends heard I was doing it they either donated right away or pounced and were like "i want to do it with you!"  So, I emailed the people today and was able to turn my one person show into a team!  So far it's a two person show!  LoL.

I did absolutely no school work this weekend!  The rough draft was due Friday and that's when my extent of school ended.  This week is pretty sweet though-- no classes except for a possible one-on-one this Friday or next about my paper, which I think I need because I feel like my paper is a HOT MESS. 

I've been tracking!  But more on that later! 

Weekend recap and other things

So, it's not exactly how I pictured it in my head, but I received a flower at work!

 

 This really nice man at my ww meeting gave one to each of us ladies yesterday.  So cute!  And definitely put a smile on my face for most of the afternoon.  Speaking of fat camp, I stuck to my goal and tracked 4 days last week.  So far this week I've tracked yesterday and today.  Oh, and I gained .6, but I'm not discouraged as that was probably the chinese food I gorged on Sunday night.  That was totally worth it though because my brother and I spent time together.  See, he is 13 years older than me and we've not always gotten along.  Since the deaths we've become a lot closer, but we still keep our distance at times (happens when you live with someone I feel).  But Sunday night I picked him up from work and we hung out and went grocery shopping together-- I was in desperate need of healthier food items.  It was getting kind of late though so after I spent about $100 on healthy stuff, I ordered Chinese food for us... a bit counter productive maybe, but I was tired and not in the mood to cook.  We ate food and watched TV together then went to bed.  A perfect evening if you ask me.  

Since I went into Sunday night, I should recap the rest of my weekend:

Friday-- went to class, came home, ate, watched tv, was in bed by 10:30!  

Saturday-- post office (finally mailed the CD for the music exchange... oops), pedicures with Heather, followed by Chipotle and watching my little peanut! 

That would be me and my goddaughter, Madeline.  She's getting her 2 year molars so that's why she's a bit drooly on the shirt... that and oh yeah she's a baby.  

After watching her, I went home and talked with my brother for a little while (conversation which led us to make plans for the next day) which was super exciting because we rarely make plans with one another.  We're both just super busy.  Then I went to Corner Pub, hung out with some of the usual suspects, went to Shannon's, stayed up all night and took her to Union Station at 5 AM so she could catch a train to NYC for Toy Fair.  Catherine rode with me and we got McD's breakfast on the way home.  At 6:30 I passed the F out.  Woke up around 11:30 and went to the gym!  Hooray for me! After I got home I resisted the urge to take a nap and got to work on my rough draft (finally).  Mary came over to do work a little later and we ended up gabbing til she had to leave.  Then I left to get my brother and you know the rest from there.

Who has not made an appearance in this post/weekend?  My father.  Why?  He's started dating someone.  My mother died five years ago.  I'm happy for him.  Any reservations I have about him dating has nothing to do with my mother and everything to do with me.  Selfish?  Perhaps, but I'm working through it.  Change is an adjustment. 

I sent in the topics for my other two papers today and got the OK on one and have to tweak the other a little. 

Roller-coaster!

This week has not been very productive in the world of school.  I skipped class Monday night because my chest was hurting (from puking Saturday night I'm almost positive).  I skipped class Tuesday night to go to my friend Keith's dad's wake, and Wednesday I skipped work to go to the funeral.  And yes, I needed the whole day, not just a couple hours, trust me. 

Keith was happy a few of us were able to make it to the funeral and told us not to worry about going to the cemetery, so I didn't.  Instead I went to the cemetery where my mom and sister (and grandmother, grandfather, and great-grandfather) are buried.  However, I am a dumbass and did not factor in the 6 inches of snow that would still be covering the grass from the previous snowstorms we've had.  So I sat in my car, and honestly, felt nothing but frustration.  So I got in touch with my friend Catherine and met her and her co-worker/friend Diana for lunch in Burtonsville where they work.  That helped get my mind off things and was really yummy (we ate Afghan). 

When I got home instead of doing homework or laundry or something productive, I totally took a nap.  After that, I went to therapy (you have two family members die within 6 weeks of each other and tell me you don't need it) and actually was able to get a lot of things out and realized just how much I've been holding in for a week or two.  Crazy.  People-- it is ALWAYS better out than in. 

Tonight I am left with two article summaries to do for tomorrow night's class.  It's not ideal, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it since I've been on a roller-coaster of emotion and stress.  I just hope I can find relatively short articles, because I can't take anymore 30-50 page ones. 

My friend Lauren wants to know what I'm wishing for.  Right now it's sunshine, warmth, and brains.  LoL

I'm Thankful

Happy December!

Another month has gone by and I only posted once.  I'm working on it, I'm working on it.  November proved to be a little more relaxing than I thought.  I really did not do much on the weekends.  I've finally come out of this depression (I hope) that has been plaguing me almost all semester.  I'm still down on myself for not losing all the weight I've wanted to-- but when I don't put in the effort I can't really be all too surprised.  Sigh, tomorrow is another day.  Depression is such a vicious cycle.  I've struggled with it for years-- in and out of therapy, on and off drugs.  I feel like crap so I don't want to do anything, especially nothing that will require effort like exercising or making myself a proper meal.  Even though I know once I do that 15, 20, 30, or even 60 minutes on the elliptical I will feel like Super Man.  It's the inability to even bring the horse to water.  So last week I actually went to the fitness center at work and worked it... not for very long because it was the end of the day and I didn't have any headphones (talk about boring).  However, I did feel better.  I always feel thinner after working out... is that weird?  I also went there again on Monday and did about 25 minutes on the elliptical-- yay for headphones!  Then I had to hustle to my WW meeting where of course I gained because of Thanksgiving and all those leftovers.

Speaking of Thanksgiving.  It's not my favorite holiday-- probably one of my least favorites... always has been I think because it's centered around turkey which I find dry and not very tasty.  Anywho, we decided to stay home this year (we being my father, brother and myself).  My brother didn't want to go anywhere because he works retail so the next day would be hell for him; my dad wanted us all to be together so home we stayed.  Now, there has always been an issue with clutter in my household, however, my mother to no end kept it at bay as best as she could.  Since she died things just went crazy and a volcano sort of erupted.  When my brother moved home 3 years ago after an inevitable breakdown he resumed my mother's position in that he strove to clean everything all the time and would be an absolute nut and in a panic if anything was out of place-- and had no qualms letting us know.  It was insane.  After a few months we broke him.  He no longer really cares (outwardly anyway).  It took me some time to really get a grip on myself and realize that we couldn't live in the mess.  Now, I must say we are not bad as many of the homes you see on Clean House, there are perfectly good floors that can be walked on without hopping or tripping; the problem is that any surface gets stuff thrown on it.  Don't get me wrong-- I'm as guilty as my father is in this.  So I got it together and decided we needed a change.  Well, it turns out I was the only one who felt this way.  When it's not technically your house to decide major renovations, it makes it hard to get anything to happen.  Also, when you get no support-- it sucks.  Oh, I see why my mother was always frustrated with us... and then my brother.  Oops, sorry.  Occasionally I've been able to kick my dad's butt in gear, but it only ever lasts a week or two and then the house goes back to bananas. 
So I went through this whole long thing to say this: if Thanksgiving was going to happen at our house, and people other than the three residents were going to come, shit was gonna look presentable.  After cleaning, cussing, screaming, crying, and sheer guilting-- my dad was on board with a little less animosity.  Within a few days our 3 person turkey day went to a multiple person feast.  I was not going to be embarrassed and making excuses to our guests, I refused.  So we got to work and the place looked damn nice! Actually, it still looks pretty good a week later-- shocking!  After all was said and done, I made a damn good dinner (my first Thanksgiving meal) and entertained in my pretty albeit rough around the edges home.  Our guests (and I use that term loosely... more like family) had a great time and I'm so thankful for all who came to share our originally planned depressing meal with us.  We ate tur-duc-hen... yes the chicken inside of duck inside of turkey thing and it was AMAZABALLS.  So the official count was 9: my dad, brother, myself, friend Jessica and her mom, my dad's two siblings, and two of my brother's friends.  It was so fun and yummy I'd think about doing it again next year. 

By the way, I need to mention this playlist I'm currently grooving to.  It's Dirty Dancing meets Mamma Mia! meets Top 40 and it's nothing short of a good time.